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Somethings Gotta Give - 1 - Shattered

Rating: PG
Disclaimer: they belong to Joss
Characters: Mal/Inara
Notes: This is written for the Joss 100. That means 1000 word stories. In this case I've made each story a chapter. ENJOY
Timeframe: Missing scene from Heart Of Gold


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Feelings of hurt, surprise and confusion rocked Inara to her soul. She was a Companion, schooled in the art of control. At the moment that control was cracking and threatening to shatter into a million pieces. Why did the sight of Malcolm Reynolds walking out of Nandi’s room, casually buttoning his shirt, have such an effect on her? It was obvious he’d slept with her friend.

‘So what,’ she tried to tell herself and had to fight to keep from picturing Nandi and Mal together as they must have been the night before.

‘It should have been me in there with him.’ Her inner voice cried out, as something essential broke away, leaving her defenseless against her feelings. ‘Why would he go to her when he looks at me with nothing but distain?’ Her mind was shouting things she daren’t ask.

Inara heard words echoing in her ears as she prattled on about the advantages of not feeling guilt about the act of sex, anything to cover her inner turmoil and keep from shouting to the rooftops the thoughts that were eating her alive.

At the moment the only thing that was important was the unconcerned mask she was hiding behind. It was all that kept her going as she turned and walked down the hallway, away from the man who had hurt her so badly. Her one satisfaction was that she had hidden it from Mal. She was oblivious to the anger that had tinged her voice or the tears that had burned her eyes until she looked anything but unconcerned.

Inara closed and locked her door, rushing to the corner; she slid to the floor and let her tears come. She held her hand over her mouth. The walls were thin and she didn’t want anyone to hear the gut-wrenching sobs that shook her body and soul. They dredged up feelings she thought she had purged long ago in the Training halls and class rooms.

“Damn him,” she muttered as she wrapped her arms around her middle to keep from flying into a million pieces. This wasn’t the first time he’d made her cry, but it was the first time he’d caught her by surprise and made her feel inadequate.

“Why?” she questioned her image in the mirror as she sat huddled on the floor. “Nandi’s a whore. Mal never misses an opportunity to call me that, so why was it all right for him to sleep with her, but beneath him to touch me?”

“I can’t do this anymore,” Inara whispered as she attempted to repair her make-up, but finally gave up and washed her face. No enhancers were better than ones that told the story of tears. She took a deep breath and quoted one of the many mantras she’d learned at the Training House. “’You are stronger than this thing. This is just a moment in time, step aside and let it happen.’”

As she moved toward the door to return to help Simon with Palintine, she was bothered by a niggling thought, ‘Was this what it was like for Mal when I’m with a client?’ She shook her head to clear it, but the thought had taken hold.

“Oh God,” she gasped as she gripped the doorknob and leaned back against the door to catch her breath. In the course of a few minutes her life had changed. She knew for certain that she would never be able to take another man to her bed unless he was Malcolm Reynolds and was just as certain that he found her totally unacceptable.


( 3 comments — Leave a comment )
Nov. 13th, 2005 06:41 am (UTC)
Are you familiar with Leonard Cohen, poet/songwriter? He's got a poem called As the Mist Leaves No Scar which has always reminded me of Mal/Inara - for whatever reason. There are actually two versions of it - one as a song (it's a bit different and not so melancholy) and the poem:

As the Mist Leaves No Scar

As the mist leaves no scar
On the dark green hill,
So my body leaves no scar
On you, nor ever will.

When wind and hawk encounter,
What remains to keep?
So you and I encounter,
Then turn, then fall to sleep.

As many nights endure
Without a moon or star,
So will we endure
When one is gone and far.

This story reminded me of the poem.
Nov. 13th, 2005 08:30 am (UTC)
I've got his "Anybody Knows", but am unfamiliar with this song. I looked and couldn't find it anywhere. I'll have to keep an eye open for it.

The poem is lovely. I believe they will endure...until they get back together...okay shoot me, I'm a romantic.
Nov. 13th, 2005 01:34 pm (UTC)
The song has a different title from the poem, which is probably why you can't find it.

True Love Leaves no Traces

"True Love Leaves No Traces"

As the mist leaves no scar
On the dark green hill
So my body leaves no scar
On you and never will
Through windows in the dark
The children come, the children go
Like arrows with no targets
Like shackles made of snow

True love leaves no traces
If you and I are one
It's lost in our embraces
Like stars against the sun

As a falling leaf may rest
A moment on the air
So your head upon my breast
So my hand upon your hair

And many nights endure
Without a moon or star
So we will endure
When one is gone and far

True love leaves no traces
If you and I are one
It's lost in our embraces
Like stars against the sun

Leonard Cohen is, in my opinion, a genius. I love his music and I adore his poetry. See what I mean about the song being more hopeful?
( 3 comments — Leave a comment )



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Cinderella walked on broken glass,
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It was all about blood, sweat, and tears.
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To love someone deeply gives you strength. Being loved by someone deeply gives you courage...Lao Tzu

It takes chaos to give birth to a dancing star ..F. Nietzsche

How many loved your moments of glad grace, and loved your beauty with love false or true? But one man loved the pilgrim Soul in you, and loved the sorrows of your changing face...Yeats

Let us go, you and I, when the evening is spread out against the sky...T. S. Eliot

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Midnight courage of the heart...Jen Kirkwood

The three o-clock in the morning courage which Bonaparte thought was the rarest...Thoreau

Did you say it? I love you; I don't ever want to live without you; you changed my life. Did you say it?
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